i am a die hard twitter user and yesterday the site was a buzz with a trending topic entitled: "he's just not that into you". i can't lie i joined in on the fun and put out a couple ziggers myself. it was fun until i saw one that said " #hesjustnotthatintoyou if its been more than six months and you are just 'good friends'".
this made me a little uncomfortable under my collar because i put up a post not that long ago defending my "situationship" with someone in another state. i think that the post made me uncomfortable because as much as i try to front like i'm happy, i know the truth, i'm really not.
i'm a flesh and blood person like anyone, and like all people my age, i want companionship. i want to be able to say, "yes, such and such is my boyfriend". but i can't. it's been months and i'm still under the title of 'good friend', that's like a figurative kick in the nuts(i don't even have nuts, and it still hurts). i've given up time(travel), money(travel aint cheap), sex, and basically let down all my guards just to prove " HEY I LIKE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU". with all this i still have gotten nothing in return.
i'm starting to wonder, 'what's the point of staying in this situationship?' i'm tired of allowing myself to be put on the backburner in hopes of being able to say 'i have a signifiant other'. because the honest truth is i have no one...i have someone who talks to me when they feel like it, i have a wonderful fuck when we are together but its so few and far between and i'm staying true to this situation.
im not ashamed to say that i love this guy, but i am ashamed that i am willing to give love and get nothing back in return. i guess its time for me to say goodbye to love. i've done all i could for almost a year, and i'm still just a 'good friend'. i'm tired of being in this by myself...i'll take having no one, rather than having half of a person.