sleepless in chicago

so as of late, i've been chalk full of emotions. not sure how to get them out or who to tell them i decided i'd post my random views on situations from time to time.

tonight i can't sleep, i took a cat nap i didnt even know i was having this evening and ever since then i've been on charge. i haven't been able to sleep the night through for most of the summer and its really starting to take a toll on my moods and actions. my mom sat me down and asked me when was the last time i had had a peaceful sleep, sadly i couldn't remember. we tried to jog my memory and i realized i hadn't been at peace since my father went into the hospital this summer. my father and i have never been close and its always hurt deeply, but i came to the conclusion that i can't make him be the father i wanted for so long(in a perfect world maybe, but perfect and i have never met.) then i started realizing that ever since my father got out the hospital, i haven't heard from him or seen him. the last time i saw my father, my grandma and aunt where in town. it wasn't that we had words or got mad at each other, its just that there are so many years of hurt, anger, and betrayal that i don't know if i'll be able to reach out to him and mean it. i truly do love my father, but like my family over time i've learned that i have to forgive him and love him from a distance. the loving from a distance wouldn't be difficult if he wasnt sick, that way i could put our relationship in the back of my mind. i think if i were the heartless image that i try to project, i could sleep at night. damn...
when loving him wasn't hard...


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